A Public Diary During the Coronavirus/COVID-19 Pandemic ~ Day 94
Calling upon patience
are you there for me?
I’m facing some frustration
and could use some help
Beyond the simplicity
of practicing acceptance
what is one to do, really?
Oh, it really is that simple?
Just accept the circumstances
take a few deep breaths and perhaps
laugh at the absurdity of it all.
Yeah, maybe just maybe that’s it
In all actuality, in this present moment
that is precisely what I am doing
but I’d be a lying ass fool to decry
that this is always the way I operate
Letting pent up emotions percolate,
bubbling over on occasion into rage
can be a way things play out somedays,
another outlet being deep weeping
that happens here and there, too
Right now though, I’m all zen n’ shit
I am not exactly sure as to why
but you won’t find me complaining
at least not here and now that is…
as often as possible I do refrain
to complain for I find it to be quite
a heavy and burdensome act,
do not you agree?
Alas that squeaky wheel metaphor
has some sort of truth to it but really
I would rather we found better ways
to communicate our wants and needs
while checking ourselves when it comes
to our often lofty expectations and perhaps
undeserved positions with which we feel
that we even have the right to fucking complain
I’m just going to go out on a limb here and note
that this seems to be connected to white privilege
and underneath that, a culture of white supremacy
Yeah, I went there…
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I don’t want to seem as though I’m laying the whole white supremacy thing on too thick or anything, it is just that we’re in the midst of this tremendous reckoning and while it can be a bit overwhelming and mighty uncomfortable in so many ways, the truth of the matter is that we need to continue to have these conversations and way more importantly, we need to dismantle the systems of oppression that are destroying us post haste.
The prompt for the poem above didn’t necessarily have anything to do with white privilege or white supremacy, at least initially, or maybe, just maybe it did and I didn’t even know it?… Seriously though, what prompted this poem and post was that I was all geared up and ready to take this test and finally finish this managerial accounting class (that I dislike more than nearly anything in the world right now besides racism, police brutality, capitalism, and our bullshit systems of oppression I was just mentioning above) and I had scheduled it yesterday to be at 4pm today. Well, I studied for several hours and was all set to go, had the room all in order, the missus and the kid were going to go out for a walk and bike ride while I took it, and then I popped on the assessment center page and… no dice. The system was down and all scheduled tests needed to be postponed. I couldn’t, and still can’t, even reschedule yet. I’m remarkably okay in the moment about this all though. I cannot explain why, I guess I really am practicing what I preach in regards to being in acceptance and just breathing through the shit I’m dealing with.
This all leads me to go a bit further into the weirdness and downright bizarre reality that is test taking in this fully online college and degree program I’m in. All students, in every degree program take objective assessments (tests) through a proctored exam site which is based in India. This means that each time I take one of these, and anyone else does, which is thousands and thousands of students, WGU is the largest online university in the country from what I understand, I quickly just checked online and they say there are over 121,000 students in total with about 89,000 of which are in undergrad programs. So, yeah, all of these students take these proctored exams I was just going to elaborate on. What these consist of is a schedule exam in which the student sets up a webcam far enough away from their computer on their table/desk in their home, which has to be a closed room with no interruptions, and then they connect to a proctor, which is someone working in what I can only imagine is a massive warehouse type office building with thousands of cubicles and each person there connects with a student and is getting paid to watch them take a test for anywhere from 1 to 3 hours. Upon completion they then connect with another student, somewhere in the US of A, and watch them take a test, and maybe they do 2 to 4 of these a day and then that’s their job I guess. 5 days a week. Looking into people’s lives and homes, watching them look at a computer screen, making sure they don’t cheat, as they take a test. Getting paid hopefully a decent amount but I do not know if it could be considered a living wage. All the while they are being watched, I’m sure, by their boss, or some all seeing eye that makes sure that they are watching the student which is all pretty bonkers if you ask me. But this is what we’ve come up with I guess for accountability? I just have a difficult time thinking about those people who go to work every day and do this. Just watching someone take a test and that is it. And there have to be thousands and thousands of these people. Wild huh?
Well, it’s night now, the sun has set, the bats are out snacking on the mosquitos and other insects swirling around in our backyard, and I am tuckered out. This will be the earliest night in a long while for me for getting to sleep. Super stoked.
I have more thoughts and reflections on the day, some good connections I’ve made online, and I also was on the roof of a church on 82nd street trying to help fix a bell tower this afternoon as well. There’s always plenty going on and it is hard to fit it all in to these here daily shared words. Alas, that is just the way it is and like my acceptance earlier today with this test, I’m okay with the amount of words I’ve managed to get out today, and every day. Just a few more here and it’ll be 100 days of this pandemic diary. What a trip. Tomorrow night I plan to be back out on the streets and this time will have a buddy or two to connect with instead of flying solo. That’s good. My darling doveling is pleased about this as well. And Friday is Juneteenth and I’m sure some massive movement is going to happen that day. I know a lot is actually planned for Saturday though so it looks like it’ll be spread over the weekend. And speaking of the weekend, Sunday is Solstice. Sunday is a Solar Eclipse. Sunday is Father’s Day as well. I know a lot of people will be out in solidarity for George Floyd’s kids and sending love their way on this first Father’s Day without him around. What a collectively shared emotional ride we’re presently on. Love to you out there, wherever you are on your path. We’re sorting shit out and finding our own threads back to a central new storyline and mythology. Let’s embrace the unknown of it all, lean into our discomfort, and surrender to this freshly unfolding reality filled with more justice, equity, celebrated diversity, and peace. And while we’re at it, a more collaboratively pursued path of mitigating the worst of our impending climate chaos and environmental breakdown that we’re facing, too…
